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4 Things Foreigners Will Never Understand About America
I moved to America from Australia almost five years ago after a long immigration battle, and these days I feel like I'm finally assimilating. My accent has mutated into a weird Ausmerican-hybrid mess that sounds like a drunk person pretending to be Hugh Jackman. I go to the gym regularly to strengthen my arms enough to carry those horse-trough-sized soda cups at the cinema, and I'm sketching out my first "bald eagle ripping open my skin to reveal an American flag" back tattoo.
But there's still a lot about this great country that I don't understand, and I have it on good authority that I'm not alone. Some aspects of the USA are so weird that they leave foreigners scratching our wacky national-costume hats in confusion, no matter how much time we've spent here. For example ...
#4. Huge Damn Lawns
Americans love lawns like Internet arguers love the word "fallacy." A healthy lawn alone can add 11 percent to the value of a home in this country, and driving down most American suburban streets is like traveling across the back of a giant, furry, green monster that has houses all over its skin and also roads or something and oh god this is why they kicked me out of metaphor school.
You don't want to know what the swimming pool represents.
It's not that other countries don't have lawns, or that Australians only seed their gardens with spider eggs or something. But with few exceptions, it's only Americans that surround their homes with lawn-oceans so big that they need to own a special type of car with razor blades attached to it just to keep the stuff trimmed. Where I come from, you own a riding mower if you just inherited a soccer field and don't know what to do with it yet. Here, keeping a razor-car around is completely normal, and so is spending half your weekend driving one.
And in America, lawns are hardly ever surrounded by fences or hedges or a barbed-wire demilitarized zone, like they would be in normal countries. Instead, you and your neighbor's lawns must fade into each other like the memories of the shots of cheap whiskey you drank last night. Then your good American neighbor will inevitably mow his lawn right up to the edge of your property, leaving your property's much longer grass sitting there like a topographic map of your own failure.
Why Is It Like That?
Lawns were first brought to America in the 19th century, but it was a bunch of turf-crazy suburban planners that really caused this country to embrace them. These planners began urging people to build gardens with lawns that touched their neighbors: unlike the British upper-classes, who surrounded their gardens with "inhospitable brick walls" to keep out their poverty-stricken neighbors, Americans were told to combine their front yards as a sign of New World egalitarianism. Perhaps because talk radio hadn't been invented yet, this strangely communistic idea took off, and Americans have been mingling their outdoor carpet-gardens ever since.
If Lenin were alive, he'd totally be out mowing that shit.
But to be fair, "not being like the British" isn't the only reason a person might want to possess a huge fucking lawn. The stuff is great for American activities like backyard football and barbecues, and, apparently, the smell of a freshly mowed lawn makes people feel relaxed and happy. Maybe that contributes to the ...
#3. Relentless Optimism
You can be stuck in the middle of the ocean with an American, floating in shark-infested waters on a raft made entirely of lashed-together seals, and also you're gutshot and the Russians are dropping bombs on you. And I guarantee you that in this situation, when you're there trying to stutter out some dignified last words and prepare yourself for the end, your American companion will cheerily blurt out something like: "Oh, don't worry. Everything will turn out fine!"
"I can talk to the sharks and work things out. I know a guy."
Americans probably don't realize how crazy optimistic they are until they're forced to hang around gloomy foreigners, who are clearly all just miserable because because they don't realize how awesome it is to be born into the greatest, most wonderful nation on Earth. While Americans' optimism about the country's future is declining, people in this country remain incredibly optimistic on a personal level. Sure, the environment and the economy are going down the drain, but everyone somehow figures they'll be OK, regardless.
Why Is It Like That?
The attitude reflects the continuing reign of New Thought, a religious movement that started in America in the 19th century and is still madly influential today. New Thought emphasizes positive thinking and self-empowerment: it is your thoughts and attitudes, not luck or external circumstances, that make you healthy and rich. It's still popping up today in things like the "Prosperity Gospel" strain of American Christianity, which teaches believers that God will make them happy and rich if they really, really want him to.
"I want you all to get huge mortgages. Go crazy with those things."
New Thought has its benefits: people who believe they're in control of their life, rather than at the mercy of outside elements, do tend to be more well-adjusted. But it can also lead to dumb shit, like blaming people for their own misfortunes (which, after all, are in their control). It's nice to be around positive people, but it isn't so nice to be told that you were bitten by that shark because you attracted it with your negative self-talk.
#2. College Sports
When I went to university in Australia, the most popular sport-related activity on campus was the circus club. I never actually saw anyone on campus playing sports, but there were plenty of people who juggled and did weird flips everywhere. If someone at the university had tried to organize, say, a soccer game, I would probably have assumed they were just really bad at juggling.
#1. Pride in Ridiculously Unhealthy Food
Before I start this entry, I want to say that I don't judge anyone for not eating healthy food. If I could get away with it, I'd stuff french fries into my face three meals a day and wash them down with those little shots of mayonnaise they give you at Five Guys. And the mustard too. I also don't want to pretend like Australia (or any other country) is full of people who eat nothing but braised kale. But America is the only place where you will regularly see things strange.
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